STAR TREK: PICARD s2e7: MONSTERS

 

STAR TREK: PICARD s2e7: MONSTERS

 

“It’s not my job to be interesting.”  Right, Picard, leave those writers alone. It’s not their job to be interesting either.

 

“To put a point on it, you need to give me something.” Yes, like a totally different second season.

 

“Telling stories isn’t really your thing, is it?” Hey, Bashir look a like, leave the writers alone, they only have one story to tell and this is it, for all we hate it.

 

“And obviously you know how the main story ends?”  Well, then Seven, Raffi is way ahead of the writers.

 

“What, you mean once we’re through with all this shit?” Raffi’s smarter and more tasteful than she looks and certainly more than the writers who might have subliminally may be self criticizing here: not knowing a good ending if any ending and calling their own work shit.

 

 

Very tempted for, “SKIP!”

 

And, “I’m done!”

 

This is the worst yet. Boring, inconsequential, flippant, and meandering. Awful.

 

“We got movie sign!”

 

Wait, does a net series really need a TWO MINUTE recap? Or a recap at all?

 

Wait! It’s BALTAR! John Colicos? No, he’s the first Klingon. Only no humps on his forehead. I certainly hope not. Anyway, it’s all come full circle. “Tell Dexeter! We have come full circle!”  Wasn’t that a Doctor Who? No but a DW story? Anyway, it was also a SPACE: 1999 about cavemen. Really? Even though I now those inside out, they might be more fun to watch and more interesting. Oh and FULL CIRCLE might also sound like a porn movie.

 

 

Baltar!  Run! He’s a Borg and a Cylon! A Borelon! A Cyorg. Cyborg? No, it’s just Bashir. Yes, let’s pick someone who had the least in a history with Picard and use him in the show in a dream sequence no one is going to care about and let’s use MONSTER images (OHHHH AHHHH!) that look like a monster from the OUTER LIMITS and BATMAN! Say, it’s Batman himself!

 

Boy, Jean Luc’s mom was a looney.

 

So we are in a room and not told where with someone who isn’t really Bashir but is Baltar looking at an orb gem that we’re given no info about at all and outside is a sort of flaming star. Picard’s head?

 

For a man who can’t tell jokes, Picard seems to think it’s wildly funny that he’s a man who can’t stand enclosed spaces spending his life in the infinite cosmos. No one else does. BUT he’s really not…he’s really in a confined spaceship for several seasons, almost without any location work at all in season four or so…

 

Clearly the writers don’t know squat about 1990s TREK if they think Picard thinks the most interesting thing about him was the holographic image episodes: they were the worst. All that private eye crap in the NEXT GENERATION: totally disposable episodes. Gosh.

 

Pick Hard thinks 20 minutes has been 40 and he’s wrong but if he had said that this episode already feels over long and like forever, then he’d be right. 4 min and 37 seconds already feels like four hours and 37 minutes. And people were complaining that last week’s poop was too short. These are far too long of this stuff, boring convo. Is anyone following the idiotic conversation by Bashir that is not Bashir and dead in his head Picard? It’s illogical. Boring. Ridiculous. And more of that nonsense about Picard not having a life. “Even your closest friends call you captain.” Sigh. No, they do not. As this is supposed to be his father, this makes no sense even if it is Picard torturing himself. Because, you know, they don't. 

 

They also repeat this in the monster grabs Tallin scene, “No one will miss you when you die.” So dying isn’t enough. If you die and people miss you that’s a great thing in the STAR TREK world, which plays on people’s fears of being alone. NOT a great message.

 

“Plus we’re the main event. Now Jurati and Rios, they’re like a side story.” If Raffi weren’t any more unlikable and any less likable, they just brought her down even further. She just said that Fred and Ethel don’t matter to her Lucy and…well, Ricky is Rios with better hair (really, can the hair stylist make a good looking guy any worse?) so Lucy and Lucy. This whole thing feels like a side story from what better adventures the “gang” Raffi wants to quit, could have and should have had. Another stupid conversation. No one talks like this.

 

About their friends. Or anyone else.

 

Seven declares the line about how this will end. Raffi seems to her to know how this will end and Raffi calls “all this” shit. She’s gone up a notch in my mind now.

 

Parental controls disabled. So, Picard’s mind is as smart as your 12 year old’s and needed parental controls to keep him from his porn collection?

 

“It’s kind of how I roll?” Tallin. Really? What is this 2005?

 

Tallin’s thoughts turn to drinking Picard and his mind not sober comes out of the blue as if she can’t wait to see that. I can.

 

Roger Price presents STAR TREK: PICARD. Oh come on, boy with head band on, dungeon.

 

This was better with Jennifer Lopez in it. A reference to THE CELL because I know you TREK fans might not know the reference because all you care about is STAR TREK.

 

“Something you’re afraid others will see?” Too bad the writers didn’t think that way!

 

I’m a pilot, not a doctor.

 

Rios trusts Teresa to use a piece of tech on Picard that she has no idea about, sort of, and yet it seems to work. Oh, she’s a doctor so she should be able to use medical equipment from the future. Got it.

 

Jean Luc is an awful wimp as a kid. Where did they get this kid to play him? I’ll try to be kind. Moving on…

 

“Picard, I am your father!”

 

Hey, I was right. She really is a loon. Bashir/dream/dad is the good guy! Oh, what a twist!

 

LABYRINTH. In color!

 

While other starship captains are seeking out new life and new civilizations, Rios is seeking out father figures. And finding little brats who make him draw chalk paintings on stat center desks/counters.

 

 

It wasn’t official until now: Rios IS dumb. He takes unstable mother and her bratty son aboard his spaceship. “I’m gonna go touch everything.” Too bad the Queen is stuck in Jurati now, it would have been more fun if she possessed Ricardo.

 

After last week’s song, I’ve been put off songs in TREK. Here, we get another one.

 

Picard and Tallin made a QUANTUM LEAP? Can we watch it? I think that might be a better show.

 

I was right and that dopey fan that said I was wrong was wrong. She is Romulan. Oh, and Picard never noticed that or even suspected? He’s a dope, too.

 

Oh wait, she had something hiding it. So, I was wrong above but right about her being Romulan. Whore Ray! Something on this show makes sense!

 

Let’s just say it: is Q gay?

 

Okay, it’s what I’ve never suspected: Q is Barbara Eden (young’uns that’s a reference to I DREAM OF JEANNIE, a far superior show to this crap).

 

JK Rowling presents: STAR TREK PICARD in a bottle of moment and green liquid to summon Q and what the F(ug) is Guinan, young version talking about? Star Trek: Potter.

 

Guinan becomes Victoria Winters from DARK SHADOWS and says, “I don’t understand.”

 

Compared to this Guinan’s “boring ass non-fiction” sounds great.

 

And as if things are not boring enough ancient Fox Mulder captures Jean Luc and Guinan. Are they going to Roswell or Mexico? Will the evil ICE make them disappear?

 

Tune in next week. I’m probably not going to. This is a POS.

Does anyone know how to write good STAR TREK any more? I mean as much as 1990s TREK bores me, I have to admit they had a number of great successes in probably every show (though I'd be hard pressed to find ANY episode of DEEP SLEEP MINE interesting, maybe the TRIBBLES ep?). WHY can't the writers take a page from those shows and be original, relevant, and give us deep characters. Here, they're aping rather than being inspired. And badly. I hope the Pike show that starts soon is individual adventures, one per episode but I have a horrible suspicion it will not be. 

This is a sad show.