KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER Episode 03: "They Have Been, They Are, They Will Be..."

 So rewatched the UFO episode, which had TWO on screen titles, one of them being UFO and it occurs to me that...the opening credits have been changed for those early episodes. In one or two or more, the "whistle" music is longer and different, the theme song is slightly different, and the title is, in the first three or more episodes ONLY THE NIGHT STALKER minus the KOLCHAK:. Now on the DVDs, it's all been made uniform for some reason. I wish they would not mess with our shows and just give them to us the way they were presented on TV. Many episodes had scenes to next week.

It occurs to me that, more than any other episode, THEY HAVE BEEN....is the inspiration for the X FILES. I love Gordy in this: he's a soft precursor to the X FILE'S Lone Gunmen. Here, he literally is giving Kolchak the clue that he's being lied to AS he's being lied to by shaking his head while his boss is reading the cover up report AND he hands him the tape right in front (sort of) of the boss (sort of). He also takes money from Carl. There's also the "cover up" which is not emphasized as much as I remembered or as it should be. Monique isn't too bad in this episode and it has one of my favorite lines, "They stole the tape that I stole." He really didn't steal it: he was handed it. In any case, this will never be my favorite episode and as a kid, I thought it the worst episode and it still might be low on my list but I like it a lot more than I used to.

Yes it's is a lot of talk but it's interesting talk and it moved pretty fast last night. And a lovely guest cast: Dick Van Patten and Mary Wickes. I also like the man playing the police captain but he must have the least scenes of any guest star playing such a role and has little to no interaction with Carl, though some.

Shawn Garrett does a better job of cataloging this show than I have, though I do not agree with everything he writes about the episodes (especially about THE VAMPIRE not being a link to the first THE NIGHT STALKER movie; it is), he does a great job with all of them: here is his assessment of this episode

KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER

 

Episode 03: "They Have Been, They Are, They Will Be..."

 

Threat: Invisible Force

 

Milieu: all-around Chicago/UFO believers

 

Police: Captain Quill (James Gregory)

 

Witnesses/Experts: Alfred Brindle, witness (Dick Van Patten) / Dr. Bess Winestock, Zoologist (Mary Wickes) / Howard Gough, UFO group leader (Phil Leeds)

 

Support: Carl/Ron & Snuffy / "They Ate The Bone Marrow!" / God's Pencil? / UFO fan group

 

Synopsis: seemingly unconnected events across Chicago (electronics thefts, news suppressing Government agents, the disappearance of lead ingots, and the consumption of human and animal bone marrow) are pieced together by Kolchak into an unbelievable theory that an invisible, alien force is rampaging through the city.

 

It may not be surprising that after a solid opener that plays like a condensed version of the TV movies, and a extremely tight and well-done follow-up that effectively sets up the pattern the show will follow, the third episode is a bit of a swing and a miss. In a way, the loose, all-over-the- place plot (driven as much by coincidence as reporter's instincts) does allow the show to showcase (perhaps a bit less breathlessly than "The Zombie") how it will function as a series of linked scenes of investigation, mayhem events and comedic exchanges. And, having done a weird killer and a supernatural monster, perhaps there was some consideration of potential audience in making the threat this time arise from a science-fiction basis. But, at the risk of sounding harsh, "THB,TA,TWB" really feels like an episode from late in the series, when the show was winding down - and so, something of a warning of things to come. It really is a formless story, ruled mostly by chance, with lots of padding (like the planetarium scene). And that dinky flying saucer is just gaudy frosting on an absurd cake. The central "Idea" just seems too large to really do justice in such a formulaic show, which takes the idea of a stranded alien and turns it into "an invisible force is moving around Chicago, grabbing electronics, eating bone marrow for energy and excreting/disgorging the waste - don't worry, Kolchak's on it!"

 

Yes, to its credit, there's lots of subtle details woven in (the constant static on the radio, Mrs. Fusco's dead cats, the "never happened" phone call to the radio show, the stories being hushed up quickly and efficiently, Henry Ansgaroni's gutted stereo, stopped watches) and the attack on ex-con Keeter Hudson is nicely done (snatching a purse, he stumbles into a cache of electronics before being sucked dry!)

 

The missing/dead animals from the zoo are interestingly atypical, and the attack at Raydyne Electronics (and the in-plain-sight disappearance of, as Uncle Leo himself from SEINFELD, says - "Two-tons of lead In-GOTS!") is kind of fun - but they are clues in a mystery we can't really be expected to solve. Really, "THB,TA,TWB" is the first "episode of moments" where I enjoy particular scenes (like the goofy UFO fan group meeting) more than the overall story.

 

There's some nicely funny lines from Dick Van Patten's irate citizen (re - the glop - "My Grandfather fell in it! We're still trying to clean him!") and I like the scene with Carl trying to get some scientific evidence at the zoo. "I don't know where we're going to get another panda. They come from Tibet; the Commies have them all!" says Dr. Bess Winestock (Mary Wickes, Aunt Zelda from SIGMUND, THE SEA MONSTER!), being flirty with Carl, which he picks up on and plays off of when he returns for confirmation of the sample he found, even (ostensibly) offering a date to the Cubs game.

 

And, as usual, even in a weak episode there are some wonderful grace notes: Carl being slipped some evidence by Gordie, Tony enjoying a gourmet dinner as payoff for winning a bet (I've always liked the rather resigned way Oakland delivers the line: "I don't need another U.F.O. story, I've got enough problems..." after being visited by "the guys in the grey suits"). Also, the line when he asks Carl "Remember what happened the last time we put out one of these kooky scare stories?" implies that perhaps they've been in Chicago a while.

 

However, the last twenty minutes just meanders and wastes time (I guess, given the frequency of these scenes in the early episodes, that this would be considered the "night stalking" part). Sure, they try to gussy it up with eerie musical cues, slow motion, stunt jumps and wind machines - but it's still pretty obvious that the lack of a "monster" is a cost-saving measure (although, I guess, it's better than an alien costume or some bad overlay video effects)

 

The summation at the end is rather well done - repairs, directions, a bite to eat and off you go!

 

"THB,TA,TWB" is the first and most obvious episode when it comes to an influence on THE X-FILES (what with those Faceless Government agents shutting everything down in the name of National Security - they even got to Monique!). And, the authoritarian Captain Quill even warns, "You're going to be dealt with at a much higher level...." (a threat that, to some degree, comes true following the events of "MR. R.I.N.G.") although things are okay by the episode's end ("Well, I haven't heard from the boys in the sedan...yet...")

 

Some minor observations: Carl's license plate number is UG 8806 (I don't know enough about plates to know if they cared enough to give him an Illinois plate or just have a standard mid-70's California one). That stunt-driving moment after getting the police radio call about Raydyne Electronics still amazes me.

 

Ron writing sports news seems like a really bad fit for him (he seems to have been, ill-advisedly, catty and mean in his review about Roller-Derby Jammer "Snuffy" Patechenko!)

 

Finally, I ask my readers: What exactly is Carl doing when we first see him in the episode, at his desk at INS? Closely Inspecting the mail envelopes? For what, checks?